Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.

*Dies eating gas station sushi

Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’

drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work

It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man

thats my bad

*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute

Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.

My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me

Husband: *singing pop song*

Tween: Mom, do something.

Me: *starts dancing*

Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;

At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.

Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.

I’ll let myself out.

My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.

During my annual gynecologist visit:

Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.

Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.

Gyno:

Nurse:

Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?

Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’

Me: [cracks open a can of beer]

Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”

i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history

“I took care of your clown problem.”

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries

[camping]

me: why can’t i find any animals

wife: the wildlife is very conservative here

deer: climate change is a myth

“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone

Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions

these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have

DATE: So what do you do?

ME: I race cars.

HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?

ME: No, the cars are much faster.