Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

plot twist: satan sold his soul to me

Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”

The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no

I would never have a swear jar as

1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and

2. Imply that I have spare change.

I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog

Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late

My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.

instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶

You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?

A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.

i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know

*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*

*an hour later*

7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?

[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son

I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”

*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*

If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.

“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.

Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car

Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?

Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂

Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse

T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!

Doctor: How big were its horns?

T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*

Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.

Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?

Him: that’s a ladle

When you forget you’re at the restaurant.

Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?