Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third

Twitter is like a rocking chair.

It gives you something to do

and takes you nowhere

To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy

Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.

Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?

1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.

2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.

3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.

My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE

Me: *gives her a little bit*

My Dog: I have diarrhea

*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack

In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.

(first day as a bartender)

customer: fifth of scotch.

me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.

My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.

[typing in parental control pin]

5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works

Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?

In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.

Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush

Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.

Delete hinge and date that nice man who lives in his van down by the river

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”

People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.

“can we play our computers on the plane?”

bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone

[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”

Today’s tshirt

me: *turns around in swivel chair*

*tents fingers*

I guess you never expected to see ME again…

Boss: Must we do this every Monday?

My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?