Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE

Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order

Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?

Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.

Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.

At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.

Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.

Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?

Me: Stay at home couch accessory.

Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.

Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.

trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.

I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born

11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you

– cluckbait

On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.

Yes, but you should see the other pea

~Black eyed pea probably

Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.

Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?

It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.

PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.

OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵

WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?

I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity

Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*

Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?

Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!

Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide

[spider party]

black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here

Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.

When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”

Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.