[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
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Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
[police questioning a friend about my murder]
Police: Did he have any enemies
Friend: Boy did he ever