Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard

[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark

Cop: you get one phone call

me: [dials 911] help

My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.

I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier

Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?

Me: Let me ask my mom

Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!

Me: She said no

described my dog as a “man of few words” and the uber driver didn’t laugh. gonna open the door on the freeway.

The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.

I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?

Husband: Where is the candy?

Me: What candy?

Husband: The Easter candy.

Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing

“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”

Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.

Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.

Unless your wife finds out.

kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?

mom: i ate it

kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that

mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you

kid: oh god no i-

mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand

A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?

No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.

I was being a giraffe.

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid

Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity

Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.

Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE

At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police

My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.

[divorce court]

her: he was unfaithful

him: thats a lie!

judge: do you have proof?

her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me

him: judge, thats not being unfa-

judge: shut your cheating mouth!

‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’

-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.

just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake

i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.