[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
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When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
dream blunt rotation
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?