Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit

The Weeknd is back

* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *

Crab : My eyes are up here.

ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?

ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.

ME: I know. How about Friday?

Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.

Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food

No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.

5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”

Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them

I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car

I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.

imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog

This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total

No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”

this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.

I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.

me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience

dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no

Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!

“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”

Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help

“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”

[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘

Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.

The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.