Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!

Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered

Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo

Alfredo: Fettucine and what?

The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.

Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!

Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?

When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.

I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.

Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter

[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*

Friend: Did you see that movie about The Substance?

Me, thinking they’re talking about Flubber: Yeah, wow. Just wow.

it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware

when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought

[Hiking]

Me: Want some trail mix?

Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-

Me: All from this trail!

having a job is cool but everydayyy???

My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me

Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.

If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?

Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?

My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️

i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer

Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.

Can’t talk, competitively eating

*sharing nachos with my 17yo son

Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.

Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.

For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”

Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.

“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”

My husband drives me to drink.

Unless a friend volunteers.

my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao