Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think this might be relevant today.

“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies

gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit

Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”

You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.

Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.

As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.

“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”

*Snatches glass and hands to my wife

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

Would I miss my leg or my arm more?

(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)

This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.

spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is

HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*

UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”

UK, 2020 –

Coffee is cheaper than bail

Starbucks – You sure about that?

[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.

Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?

Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.

Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —

Satan: I have a girlfriend.

Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.

me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?

moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.

We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.

A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing

-life lessons from Softball Coach

Me: [ Seizing the Day ]

Monday:

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.