*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
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they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.