Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!

Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.

unbelievably distressed by this ad

Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale

Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: Are you Keith?

Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:

Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.

i’ve had too much coffee

~ amateurs

Seven wives and no alcohol?

No thanks Mormons.

Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”

I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys

We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot

My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….

always be there

*me filing for unemployment*

Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours

Me: so you’re only open 4 hours

Unemployment Office: yes any other questions

Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office

SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset

What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?

Amateur

i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.

Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.

[first day as librarian]

guy: i’m looking for a book—

me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK

[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?

“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”

ME: What do we want?!

“TIME TRAVEL!”

ME: When do we–oh

Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?

I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.

Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?

Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?

Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.

Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.

Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!

GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?

ME: Leave that to me.

[later, at dinner]

HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.

ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉