Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord

me: I just want some nuggets man

cfa employee: I Would Die For You

My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it

A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?

Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”

A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.

If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”

Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

(At concert)

EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!

Me: Not a chance

WAVE YOUR ARMS!!

Me: Ridiculous

OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!

Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?

My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.

this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website

You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.

[first day as geologist]

me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part

My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!

Me: “Wanna see something cool?”

*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator

Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins

(shaved my back and shoulders)

Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster

I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.

I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.

Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.

[10 mins later]

Also me: I guess this is later enough.

Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences

Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.

5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times

3: ok. sorry fifty times

“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.

Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild

I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.

COP: drop the gun

CRIMINAL: no

COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no

There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE

I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…

Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf

Me: Get the hell out of my sight!

Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake