[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
You Might Also Like
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.