Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IT guy: How much Internet do you need?

My folks: 10,000

If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.

Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.

If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda

HER: What’re you most afraid of?

ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.

[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes

Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.

judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.

me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?

What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?

Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.

Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis

5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?

Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*

Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”

*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”

Study: People with children live longer.

People with children: Shit.

Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?

me at a party:

*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*

My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.

I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something

date: do you like a little danger?

me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me

When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..

Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.

“don’t worry about a thing”

“why”

“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”

“what about all the big things”

“ooh forgot about big things”

Lion: *eating me*

Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?

Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.

What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓