[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
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Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.