Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#titanic

Overheard at the coffee shop:

“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”

Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.

I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.

ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces

ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri

Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?

Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?

-my 5yo, planning ahead

Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.

me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience

For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice

Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50

Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.

I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.

The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.

I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.

Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.

Plot twist-
Maury is the father.

“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”

– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30

*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05

Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out

If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.

This dude got his own movie?

I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.

A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?

Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.

How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.

What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.