[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
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[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
giddy up Office Depot
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
seems fine
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.