[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
You Might Also Like
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Just ordered me some pizza!
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.