Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.

The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me

That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.

<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahh

Yeah, I felt that.

The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.

Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.

I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.

best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us

me: I can do it

best friend: thanks man!

[after the wedding]

best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time

me: actually it’s a recorder

I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.

First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.

When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me

Quotes to calm an angry woman:

1. Stress makes you fat.

2. My ex never acted like that.

3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.

*Gets on plane*

*Takes out earbuds*

*Untangles earbuds*

*Plane lands*

Dudes named Chance never had one.

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

All I want for Christmas is my gross pay

[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.

when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face

I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..

*house explodes into flames*

Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.

Father: I love both my sons equally.

Max: I know that, dad.

Min: I have my doubts.

I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*

i thought lingerie was a type of noodle

I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.

Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.