Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez

Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog

Family: So how did you two meet?

Me: Tinder.

Family: What’s Tinder?

Me: It’s a game site.

being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things

BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees

A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas

I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.

Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.

Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.

in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass

Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it

Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.

Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”

Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.

You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.

When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.

[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”

parenting is not for the faint of heart

Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.

Wife: Who?

Me: 😮

I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.

Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.

Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire

That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.

me: are you telling me how to raise my children?

necromancer: trying to, yeah

We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter