Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.

My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.

You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.

Socialising is hard.

I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.

Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog

“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.

You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.

Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.

My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.

Me: For Tina Turner?

My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.

If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.

“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out

Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess

Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR

I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.

When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.

you (uncultured): Ok.

me (cultured): Othousand.

it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking

I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.

I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.

Lmao

I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.

due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.

Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either

Now then – what’s an oxymoron?

Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”