Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.

Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible

So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.

Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake

Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!

EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.

Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?

Her: Yeah, a little…

Me: I was talking to my mom!

Mom: No, I’m fine.

Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.

flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency

the highest guy you have ever seen: yes

I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat

Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.

her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?

him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous

[planning a family vacation]

Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.

Kids: Yayy, cool!

Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?

M: About 45 feet, I guess

W: I despise you

If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality

The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.

About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.

Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support

Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.

Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?

When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.

I repeat, don’t do it.

Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.

I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

Good morning, Twitter x

Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours

I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.

[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]

scientist 1: well?

scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything

s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please

Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.

[interview for waiter position]

Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”

Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”