[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
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“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
want me to check your oil?
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.