[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
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Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.