Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.

There’s so much going on 😂😂😂

I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.

[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]

(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up

If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.

Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.

Me: *picks up crock pot

Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”

Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]

Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING

4 y/o: he died dad

Me: …

4 y/o: …

Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%

The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.

Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS

Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.

replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.

I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key

I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?

hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping

Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*

*Food arrives*

*Waits 3 days*

*Slowly takes bite of food*

*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*

HOW IS EVERYTHING??

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

Not sure how to cuddle propawly

📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG

Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community

When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.

Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.

Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.

My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels