Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: We need a more colourful couch

My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?

My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!

Me: oh cool what are they?

Grandma:

Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*

6yo: Are we there yet?

My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.

[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.

Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!

ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie

who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”

Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.

Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.

Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.

Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now

Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.

My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”

HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.

The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.

If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.

Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”

Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.

Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.

my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.

My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.

Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim

Kid: Even Jesus?

Mom: Of course

Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”

[ At the ball ]

Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?

Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.

Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro

How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: I’m more of a-

ME: CHECK PLEASE