[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
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Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
LOL!
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.