[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
You Might Also Like
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!