Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.

Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?

*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*

(in customer service line at Walmart)

If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.

[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?

Ross

8. Which is your least favorite character?

Ross

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life

[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.

[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out

Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.

Alexa: *deep breath*

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]

verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet

Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

ME: I wish I could fix this problem

SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-

ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…

*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*

with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”

im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus

Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?

My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.

Well, boo-fucking-hoo.

“Bear with me for a minute.”

– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.

My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”

Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.

Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!

Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure

I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.

Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines