[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
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surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
December birthdays be like…
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
My neighbor complained that he couldn’t afford his water bill. So I got him a get well soon card.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”
Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
I get sad when I see how old people my age are.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
