Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”

Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas

Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am

Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.

When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.

PARKOUR

“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool

Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..

Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?

Me: Still no signs…

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*

[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]

*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time

lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.

me: what was the hearing for?

lawyer: WHAT?

me: the hearing.

lawyer: WHAT?

Is Mercury still in the microwave?

therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?

me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me

therapist: no

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.

Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.

The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.

Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.

Me: No, cakes are expensive.

Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!

There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.

You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor

You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.

My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.

9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?

When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.

Boss: “you’re fired”

Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”

“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?

“I’d like to make a toast.”

– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family

“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.