Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.

“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.

they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar

I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”

CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.

ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*

[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]

That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.

gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

I’m sick of everybody in this house.

-me, who lives alone.

In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline

Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;

At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”

Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.

Student: that’s impossible

Me: I assure you, it’s not

All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…

There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.

I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.

a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe

I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?

The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.

Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation

Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: I’m not psychic, Craig

cop: my name is Greg

me: I work at Starbucks

Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation

me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you

Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]

me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!

wife: oooooooohhhhhhh

midwife: that’s it keep pushing