Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ first date ]

Me. Do you take drugs?

Him. I never touch them.

Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?

Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude

FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.

One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.

If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.

What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…

Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.

If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.

My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.

I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say

[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy

[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe

You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)

I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer

Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.

When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.

Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.

day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea

“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]

Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]

me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though

food blogger:

Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..

Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty

Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then

What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.

I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?

If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?