Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.

A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.

I hope to stop crying soon.

Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.

Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic

[first day as a bartender]

boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos

me: *starts serving mitos*

ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick

My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?

Nope.

Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.

He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus

Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad

Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.

[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.

Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?

*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*

WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it

WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.

Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!

Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe

COP: It’s 4/20

ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!

COP: Then you’re under arrest

ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!

COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?

ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.

STORY TIME

my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.

one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked

“are you tan from the sun!?”

and i said

“no i’m nate from earth”

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Twitter: Hold my beer.

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*

BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip

i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64

Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.

There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?

Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.