<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
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Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it