On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
You Might Also Like
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*