Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??

Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?

3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.

A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want

My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.

employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress

me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]

I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.

britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.

Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi

A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room

You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend

I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby

Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.

Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.

most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers

HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.

As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.

Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?

“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.

Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to

me: I’m in a terrible mood

friend: try drinking some water

me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated

[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better

murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons

me: i’ll wait

I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.

barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue

Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.

Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?

Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.

Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.