{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
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Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread