Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.

sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that

As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.

“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo

AI girlfriend leaving me for other creepy weirdo.

I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.

Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*

Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.

My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.

It’s like looking in a mirror.

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.

JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees

If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬

Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.

The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.

warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.

I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.

Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.

Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!

The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

[friend is showing me around his city]

HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital

ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital

*Crawls into bed exhausted

Bladder: knock knock

i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down

Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.

I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework

Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?

Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.

I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

[ after a spat ]

Me: Are you still mad at me?

Her: I guess not.

Me: [ reaching for her ]

Good!!!

Her:

Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.

That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.