Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.

Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.

Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute

Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning

“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick

In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.

[interview]

employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years

me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible

employer, taking notes: okay, so…management

Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…

Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?

Nephew: It matches your face!

Me: 😳😳

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.

Where do you weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…

[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne

Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows

Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.

A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.

Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?

Nothing. He was STUFFED!

Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.

The vet looked me over.

He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.

“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.

Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed

Yankee Candle: Please leave

Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.

THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls

ME: A ghost

THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!

always very funny to me when people get all dressed up for thanksgiving. you’re going to stand around your nana’s house do we really need to be doing business casual here

my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued

I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.

Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.