Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker

Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra

My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.

Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.

Husband:

*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*

Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.

why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.

Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.

being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?

Oh, you fell in love?!

I fell in my bathtub.

Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.

Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?

My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.

When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”

[sinking boat]

CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!

ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.

Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.

Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.

Plus, I’m 35

“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests

Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.

If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.

Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.

Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:

[first day as an architect]

boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”

me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”

boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”

me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*

What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.

*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados

So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut

It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:

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5- sweat