[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
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I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.