Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.

Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!

Me: You’re right. *walks away*

I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.

You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am

One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.

me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco

ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking

Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.

wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding

Girl: I love Medieval Art

Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now

Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?

I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄

Wife: I want a divorce

Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

Wife: then drink the tea I made for you

People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show

Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.

wife: where’s the baby

me: in the cradle

wife: but where’s the cradle

me: on the treetop

[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]

me: I just thought of a song

*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.

i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard

Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter

I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash

I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.

Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.

Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.

Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?

*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?

Me: You better eat your vegetables

My kid: but why

Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow

My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true

2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.

2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.

You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.

Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.

gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass