Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lets keep this short tell me what I did right

everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!

(my loneliness is paralyzing)

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　　　∧_∧　oh no
　　 (　･ω･) im late for work
　 ＿|　⊃／(＿＿_
／　└-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??

Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.

Shepherd: I got ewe babe.

We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.

I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.

Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.

*pronounces woah like Noah*

Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.

8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!

8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles

Me: I roll to attack.

Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.

Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.

Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.

Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.

Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?

Me: Yes

Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.

Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.

“Time is of the essence”

Twitter: Hahaha nope

I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever

6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.

Self-cleaning conscience

23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.

[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house

So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”

A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.

Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”

This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.

TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?

Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.

TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step

Me: Why do you say that?

TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard

we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed

Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.

well this is just bullshirt

Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?