Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Push!

Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.

Me: What did the sign say?

Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((

Me: Rules are rules.

Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.

Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.

Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.

Lamb: THAT’S your advice?

Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.

Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!

Therapist: (grins sheepishly)

Lamb:

Therapist:

Lamb:

Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?

How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?

First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera

Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose

When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!

Normalize saying “the end” when you want a conversation to be over

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus

Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids

Me: Time to relax and get into bed!

The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?

Me: Yes, obviously.

One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.

Shoo shoo! 😂

Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti

Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.

By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.

my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it

The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.

Hell. No.

You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.

[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?

M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?

Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.

M: *mumbles* works every time

“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach

My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked

Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.

When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river

A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.