[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
You Might Also Like
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
The happy life.. 😊
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.