JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
A male goth is called a broth.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
