job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
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SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
what it’s like dating me:
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time