Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler

Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no

According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me

this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray

“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”

Me: BEAN!!! Come here!

9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public

Me: Beanie Baby?

D: Mom. No.

Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-

D: MOM!!!

and now we wait

Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.

HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over

ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over

accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar

How to make-out –

1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father

TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?

trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”

I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.

I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler

What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection

we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

#TrueStory

Double negatives are never not confusing.

There’s always that one guy

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

Wife: We named you after Grandma

Me: Yes that was my idea!

Grandma: They all laugh at me at school

What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!

– a parenting memoir

Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”

prisoner 1: what are you in for?

prisoner 2: murder

prisoner 3: arson

hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now