job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?

me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead

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ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.


[wife frantically searching the house]

Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere

[me napping on couch]



It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”


I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.


I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.


WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?

ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best

W: How long until they go to bed?

ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds


ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”


I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.