job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
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Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Matt Goss
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid