job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?

me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead

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If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.


Every kiss begins with K but so does every kidnapping. That’s how words work people.


I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.


All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.


Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.


Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.


*after sex*

Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”


mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married