job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
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Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
get you a girl who
