JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
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An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
About to throw up
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.