Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.

My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.

Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

Step 3: Return the 3D printer.

Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo

*duck waddles into bar

Duck: Bread

*bartender takes slice out of bag

D (angry): Just leave the loaf

Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.

The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.

I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday

my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

Please, I am begging you.

Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.

I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.

My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people

me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public

waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud

Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.

Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track

Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?

Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.

Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.

“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.

Preserved fruit, that’s my jam

Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.

This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.

11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.

[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle

So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.

My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.