JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
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*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
The news in a nutshell.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
where do you see yourself in five years?
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this
Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point