Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
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GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.
Friend: Including you?
Me: Actually, scratch that idea.
Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
