JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
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I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
just arby’s bein’ a bro
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.