JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
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Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Go girl power!
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds