JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
You Might Also Like
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
my first day as a raccoon
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.