JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
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[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
This hospital has everything
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother