Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet

I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.

making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me

me: hey man you ready to go?

goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone

me:

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: almost done?

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: son of a-

[On the next episode of…]

You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.

I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.

If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.

LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.

I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.

my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.

*checks the hip hop section*

Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.

Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.

All. The. Damn. Time.

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

waiter: white or red

me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers

It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang

Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.

I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.

boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift

Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.

This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.

Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.

My birth announcement for our third baby

Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat

[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”

My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room

A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?

I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.

*walks up with my full head of mongooses*

Medusa: Let’s rock.

I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.

PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?