Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.

This kinda thing happens to me often

“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.

I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.

While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson

The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.

All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children

“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.

Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣

Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.

Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!

One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.

* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *

This is my emotional support online shopping cart

microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist

You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.

That’s amazing.

Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.

Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.

I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*

Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.

If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.

Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*

Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH

Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.