Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer

I’m definitely a ten

…tative 4

*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*

“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”

If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.

“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later

ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too

FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket

I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.

Friend: I’m getting married

Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?

Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.

The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.

Succinctly put.

[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]

In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.

Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$

[bleeding out]

ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?

ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.

Snack for election night!

About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me

Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.

Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.

I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨

I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.

That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button

DATE: do you want kids?

ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?

parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”

Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!

If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.

I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair