Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭

EARTH:

SUN: please dont

EARTH: 🎶you-

SUN: seriously dude come on

EARTH: 🎶spin me right round

SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round

EARTH: 🎶like a record baby

SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round

baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”

this is from a book called the bible

You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.

How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?

Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash

You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.

*baby starts crying*

Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids

Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”

I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people

Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem

[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”

I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.

5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?

Me: In case there’s a burglar.

5:

Me:

5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?

SNAIL: I’m a turtle?

GOD: No, you’re a snail

SNAIL: I have a shell

GOD: Yup

SNAIL: and I move really slowly

GOD: Yeah, all the time

SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?

GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: is it the body in my trunk?

cop: haha

me: haha

body in my trunk: haha

I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.

I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.

I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?

Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me

*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap

I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.

I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here

You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?

Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.