Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

him: 911, what’s your emergency

me: a home invasion

him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes

me: they’re armed

him: 5 minutes

me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under

swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.

Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.

“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*

#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me

My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.

Body: it’s sleepy time.

Brain: it’s thinky time.

co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave

me: oh sorry does my lobster smell

co-worker: no he’s pinching people

you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…

me: fork.

Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.

Class: you want us to what

Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy

This meeting could have been a pajama party.

Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.

Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.

Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.

if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps

[at condiment counter]

*does shot of ketchup*

Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk

Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again

Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure

snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it

if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown

Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.

The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.

Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.

My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.

“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*

Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.

My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:

Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠

Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.