Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT

I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.

Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail

You were the hot single in your area the whole time.

Them: You’re hot.

Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?

My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.

That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.

The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…

The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.

God: you can go on land and water.

Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?

God: that’s where you live.

Turtle: oh my gosh.

God: what?

Turtle: I have a house boat!

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?

Classic German Shepherd 😂

*first day as getaway driver

“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”

If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.

Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!

I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

People who hate candy corn love telling you.

She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.

For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.

Me: You said everything in here was edible

Willy Wonka: Yes, but-

Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut

Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.

Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.

I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’

relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing