Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.

Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?

MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on

ME: *visibly ages*

I am crying

[group therapy]

IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist

[others nod]

ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone

[screaming]

[Ian pukes]

building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows

A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT

-worms on Twitter

THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?

THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.

at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it

GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop

ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?

GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs

ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap

Some are mad Trump won.

Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.

I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*

I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.

That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.

– Every kid ever.

if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.

Me: I roll to attack.

Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.

Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.

Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.

Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.

I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.

[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know

My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs

So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…

I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”

I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.

[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS

If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.

BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.

ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.

BOND: I’m a spy.

ME: You are bad at all parts of this.

“See you later alligator”

“In a whilst crocodile”

-why we fought the British for independence