Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer

Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.

The most accurate map ever devised.

*returns tent to Target*

CASHIER: What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent

[aliens arrive]

people: *screaming crying hiding*

me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*

This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane

If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.

New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?

2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs

*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.

In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby

Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve

Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.

Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?

Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.

Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.

Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.

Everybody just wants to get off…

….This elevator because that guy stinks

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.

i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird

I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?

She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time

The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.

Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”

When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy

NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.

ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?

Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders

My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub

I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.

[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister

I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.

l’ll call it my oughtabiography