Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
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[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
smartest karate player in the world
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
sliding into dms like
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
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When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices