Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.

[Traffic Stop]

Cop: Sir, please step out of the car

Me: But you said…

Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though

Bitcoin. Toothurt.

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones

I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation

Me: it’s not illegal

Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.

Me: but it’s not illegal

Cop: no, no it’s not

Rare photo of two submarines racing

Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.

never ask a starfish for directions

I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”

Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.

[at auto shop]

MECHANIC: can I help you?

ME: my car won’t start

MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse

ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?

ME: There’s something fishy going on here.

YOU: It’s just an aquarium.

ME: Exactly.

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

[repeatedly mashing elevator button]

him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker

[starts licking elevator button]

The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.

If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.

95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it

I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry

a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion

My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.

Me: But she’s the right kid?

Wife: Yes. But…

Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.

I wish all tests were things you peed on