JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
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If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
same bro
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
They say women only use 10% of their anger
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever