Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG

A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.

Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year

Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.

15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?

Me: grapes

15: Nice! We have grapes?!

Me: *sips wine* nope

My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.

STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life

When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.

@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie

Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.

Server: Tartar sauce?

Dentist: *eyes narrow*

Ummm

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here

My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.

I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.

let’s hear it for plates that are bowls

Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.

That came out of nowhere.

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.

The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

BOSS: Show the new guy around.

(Hours Later)

NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.

ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?

Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face

Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.

i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover