Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*

How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree

*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*

I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.

“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.

I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain

Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what

My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.

If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show

never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing

disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great

Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??

Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?

[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out

[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Witness: I do.

Me: How do I look in these pants?

Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.

Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.

The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?

Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.

Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY

Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.

As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.

[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities

Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.

Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?

Me: Revenge.

Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.